Indeed, this week set out to teach me many lessons. First, I appreciate having my husband at home. There's a reason that parents were meant to come in sets of two. Second, never ever try to make plans. The Navy will find a way to ruin them. Third, when it really comes down to it, the only person you can depend on is yourself. Fourth, trust your instincts. Fifth, your kids will only get sick when there's only one parent available. These are all inter-related. I won't go into much detail, mainly because it would be boring to read and because it will only bring all the feelings to the surface that I am working so hard to suppress. Suffice it to say that I haven't had a chance to have special time with my 6yo since the baby (now 16mo) was born. So when I bought tickets to take my big guy to the Alien Encounter at the Jax Symphony, I was excited and so looking forward to it. An hour later, my husband was put on alert to launch out of the country at any time (and launched 3 days later). Thus began my desperate search to find a volunteer to watch the baby for a few hours. No luck. So unless something miraculous happens, we won't be going. It's extremely frustrating and more than disappointing. (But thank you to everyone in 4 other states - PA, WA x2,OH x2, and SC x2 - who offered. I think the commute might be hell).
But, with her wonderful timing, a friend sent me an email that lightened my mood for a little while. I think I will be adding a few of these to my permanent vocabulary (note that the contest really does not exist and is in no way attributable to the Washington Post. Urban myths at work):
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2009 winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v.. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by
Snuffleupagus. Snuffleupagus. Snuffleupagus.